' can i call you? it's important.'

3:54 PM mum
your ex's post on fb
"Please note: while all the valentines day salutations are cute and what not, abbreviating the day to V.D does, in fact, change the meaning. Alas, happy venereal disease everyone."



3:55 PM ishmael
please reply ' ps: stands for ' you have chlamydia'

the tax man cometh

3:30 PM ishmael
there's so many people i regularly talk to i feel like telling that i want to uncomfortably position my junk directly in front of their mouth in order to put their wagging tongue to actual use


3:31 PM danger man
you take everything 3 extra steps


3:33 PM ishmael
i will require examples


3:33 PM ishmael
see above


3:33 PM ishmael
or an explanation


3:33 PM danger man
I make a slightly off colour joke about vasectomy and you retaliate with cunnilingus rape


3:34 PM ishmael
it was totally consented.
by me.


3:34 PM danger man
consented by one person =/= consent


3:34 PM ishmael
i cant do math, that's why i have an accountant
' can i claim vibrators as a business expense?'


3:35 PM danger man
what did I say about business expenses?


3:36 PM ishmael
that it will take the government two years to figure out i am having sex on their dime


3:36 PM danger man
nope
not quite


3:36 PM ishmael
and i think that was verbatim


3:36 PM danger man
you are remembering it slightly wrong


3:36 PM ishmael
but no means yes, so it's cool


3:37 PM danger man
I told you that business expenses can be claimed against the income you earn from that source


3:37 PM ishmael
so i'd have to move to las vegas


3:37 PM danger man
so if you were being paid to service people with your vibrators...
then certainly you could claim supplies, maintenance


3:37 PM ishmael
do you know how badly i am always tempted to put something like ' whore' as my occupation on my tax return?


3:38 PM danger man
they don't care


3:38 PM ishmael
they just want their money


3:38 PM danger man
your tax returns aren't able to be shared with the RCMP


3:38 PM ishmael
really?


3:38 PM danger man
at least not as evidence of crime



3:38 PM ishmael
oh whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!??!??!


3:38 PM danger man
so if you are in the business of recreational pharmaceutical sales, you should still be declaring the income


3:39 PM ishmael
recreational botanist?


3:39 PM danger man
sure
because if you get arrested, you will have to pay tax on that anyway


3:39 PM ishmael
come again?
(that's what she said)


3:40 PM danger man
when someone is arrested and convicted of embezzling $1 million, their first visitor in prison is the tax man wanting his 39%


3:40 PM ishmael
good thing i'm poor as goddamned dirt and am an upstanding citizen


3:40 PM danger man
upfrickingstanding

the problem with jimmy? SOLVED. and she makes wicked home brew.

10:41 AM ishmael: i'm trying to figure out if it's illegal to own a horse in the city
because despite it being ridiculously cost inhibitive, how bad ass would it be to arrive everyplace on horse back?
it's like a goddamn car that drives itSELF


10:42 AM mum: yeah but think of the poop bags you would have to carry around freaken hefty bags...


10:43 AM ishmael : that i would put on enemy porches in brown paper bags and then light on fire before ringing the doorbell? are you really actually trying to deter me or....


10:44 AM mum: well it would be competition to the neighbors dog


10:44 AM ishmael: this is not a competition. i win after one bag of flaming horse shit


10:45 AM mum: true


10:45 AM ishmael: ' she got a horse. and now lights it shit on fire. on our front step. we should probably sell'
oh and you would be HAPPY to get a donkey kick, cuz donkeys? much smaller than horses
got kicked by a horse once
*once* because it's a lesson you will never ever forget



10:50 AM mum: was bit by one once...
in the bat wing of the arm...fucking hurt.
i punched it in the jowl....
then cried


10:51 AM ishmael: i am trying to process you a) getting bit by a horse and then b ) owning it's face and then c) crying?
i can see the b ) portion most clearly
and there is batmanesque ' kapow' in a thought bubble next to that image
and the horse is also wearing some ridiculous spandex outfit with a tiny matching bowler
and the forest you are in is neon
i suspect someone has spiked my camomile tea this morning


10:55 AM mum: i was like 14


10:56 AM ishmael:YOU PUNCHED A HORSE IN THE FACE


10:56 AM mum: i had long long hair the horse tried to eat it and when it came beside me it bit my arm cause i was pushing it out of my face
and then i punched the damn thing


10:57 AM ishmael: 'mum': hooray for summer, but oh man, these bangs just...
horse: chomp
mum: welcome to a WORLD of hurt, you equine asshat
you are a comic book hero


11:14 AM mum: smoke time...


11:14 AM ishmael: exactly the fuck.