stripmall dojo

the turn my hart took for the worse

Sunday, May 2, 2010

tonight

i am sleeping in my bed.


wish me luck
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5 comments:

  1. ishmaelMay 3, 2010 at 10:54 AM

    i havent actually slept in my own bed in months. literally, months. i sleep on the love seat in the living room, or when people come over i sleep on the blue chair with the ottoman strategically placed so i can sort of drape across them both whilst stretched out... the virtues of being petite. i sleep on other peoples couches, and when the party is still going strong i find a bed and fasten my jacket up as my personal travelling sleeping bag, and jam my hat down over my eyes and ears.


    it's all very reminiscent of when my house burned down. no place to stay, i loaded up all three rubbermaid bins of personal possesions that were spared the gutting by liberty of being in my car at the time, and found refuge in my friends. and their furniture.


    but this time all structures remain in tact. hearts, not so much. the bed itself is usually made and free of any detritus that may inhibit me from choosing to lie there. i just dont know which side to sleep on. i've washed the sheets, but the scent still lingers. my little lungs heave.


    so it's been months. i try again. woke up with the same muscle pang directly above and below my heart. the muscle pang i recognize. the muscle pang that shifts when i roll over and remember that the morning is nothing but my own.

    ReplyDelete
  2. nicomarkMay 3, 2010 at 11:20 AM

    i force myself to sleep in the bed. i rip off the sheets and wash them and clean the room and rearrange the furniture so it will feel different. i throw things away and move plants around. and i force myself, with the help of some melatonin, to get in that damn bed.

    how many times i have had to do this, while maybe having a pull of tequila but also mostly sober, i have lost count. how many smells have i loved to mingle with mine and linger on my skin all day? how many times have i tried to erase the longing for that combination, when your scents couple in the shadowy parts and remind you all the time that you are bonded. b o n d e d.

    now i will break the bond. i will chose who i love, and that is myself. just me this time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. nicole markMay 3, 2010 at 11:22 AM

    i know mostly others cannot get back in the bed. my dear friends sleep on my couch when their hearts cannot be alone and the memories overwhelm them. maybe i like to suffer a little...

    ReplyDelete
  4. ishmaelMay 3, 2010 at 11:32 AM

    masochism is a means to an end sometimes. i flagellate in other ways, the most catch 22 possible, if possible.


    i've never met you but i know i'm meant to.

    you will be your little hearts ease. through and through. thanks for sharing. part of me wants to help, but more of me knows that's not really necessary

    ReplyDelete
  5. ishmaelMay 3, 2010 at 6:32 PM

    i also want to sleep on yer couch.

    ReplyDelete

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