' can i call you? it's important.'

3:54 PM mum
your ex's post on fb
"Please note: while all the valentines day salutations are cute and what not, abbreviating the day to V.D does, in fact, change the meaning. Alas, happy venereal disease everyone."



3:55 PM ishmael
please reply ' ps: stands for ' you have chlamydia'

the tax man cometh

3:30 PM ishmael
there's so many people i regularly talk to i feel like telling that i want to uncomfortably position my junk directly in front of their mouth in order to put their wagging tongue to actual use


3:31 PM danger man
you take everything 3 extra steps


3:33 PM ishmael
i will require examples


3:33 PM ishmael
see above


3:33 PM ishmael
or an explanation


3:33 PM danger man
I make a slightly off colour joke about vasectomy and you retaliate with cunnilingus rape


3:34 PM ishmael
it was totally consented.
by me.


3:34 PM danger man
consented by one person =/= consent


3:34 PM ishmael
i cant do math, that's why i have an accountant
' can i claim vibrators as a business expense?'


3:35 PM danger man
what did I say about business expenses?


3:36 PM ishmael
that it will take the government two years to figure out i am having sex on their dime


3:36 PM danger man
nope
not quite


3:36 PM ishmael
and i think that was verbatim


3:36 PM danger man
you are remembering it slightly wrong


3:36 PM ishmael
but no means yes, so it's cool


3:37 PM danger man
I told you that business expenses can be claimed against the income you earn from that source


3:37 PM ishmael
so i'd have to move to las vegas


3:37 PM danger man
so if you were being paid to service people with your vibrators...
then certainly you could claim supplies, maintenance


3:37 PM ishmael
do you know how badly i am always tempted to put something like ' whore' as my occupation on my tax return?


3:38 PM danger man
they don't care


3:38 PM ishmael
they just want their money


3:38 PM danger man
your tax returns aren't able to be shared with the RCMP


3:38 PM ishmael
really?


3:38 PM danger man
at least not as evidence of crime



3:38 PM ishmael
oh whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!??!??!


3:38 PM danger man
so if you are in the business of recreational pharmaceutical sales, you should still be declaring the income


3:39 PM ishmael
recreational botanist?


3:39 PM danger man
sure
because if you get arrested, you will have to pay tax on that anyway


3:39 PM ishmael
come again?
(that's what she said)


3:40 PM danger man
when someone is arrested and convicted of embezzling $1 million, their first visitor in prison is the tax man wanting his 39%


3:40 PM ishmael
good thing i'm poor as goddamned dirt and am an upstanding citizen


3:40 PM danger man
upfrickingstanding

the problem with jimmy? SOLVED. and she makes wicked home brew.

10:41 AM ishmael: i'm trying to figure out if it's illegal to own a horse in the city
because despite it being ridiculously cost inhibitive, how bad ass would it be to arrive everyplace on horse back?
it's like a goddamn car that drives itSELF


10:42 AM mum: yeah but think of the poop bags you would have to carry around freaken hefty bags...


10:43 AM ishmael : that i would put on enemy porches in brown paper bags and then light on fire before ringing the doorbell? are you really actually trying to deter me or....


10:44 AM mum: well it would be competition to the neighbors dog


10:44 AM ishmael: this is not a competition. i win after one bag of flaming horse shit


10:45 AM mum: true


10:45 AM ishmael: ' she got a horse. and now lights it shit on fire. on our front step. we should probably sell'
oh and you would be HAPPY to get a donkey kick, cuz donkeys? much smaller than horses
got kicked by a horse once
*once* because it's a lesson you will never ever forget



10:50 AM mum: was bit by one once...
in the bat wing of the arm...fucking hurt.
i punched it in the jowl....
then cried


10:51 AM ishmael: i am trying to process you a) getting bit by a horse and then b ) owning it's face and then c) crying?
i can see the b ) portion most clearly
and there is batmanesque ' kapow' in a thought bubble next to that image
and the horse is also wearing some ridiculous spandex outfit with a tiny matching bowler
and the forest you are in is neon
i suspect someone has spiked my camomile tea this morning


10:55 AM mum: i was like 14


10:56 AM ishmael:YOU PUNCHED A HORSE IN THE FACE


10:56 AM mum: i had long long hair the horse tried to eat it and when it came beside me it bit my arm cause i was pushing it out of my face
and then i punched the damn thing


10:57 AM ishmael: 'mum': hooray for summer, but oh man, these bangs just...
horse: chomp
mum: welcome to a WORLD of hurt, you equine asshat
you are a comic book hero


11:14 AM mum: smoke time...


11:14 AM ishmael: exactly the fuck.

we can all take turns using the pressure washer, okay¿

today, don pedro the gardener was weed whacking and found a baby mouse
and gave it to me. i cannot decide who was more adorable - don pedro or the terrified mouse he found. don pedro is 55ish and looks rather
like a serial killer with his yellow apron and machete, but he smiles
bigger than texas. he only ever says `si.`and the man knows how to dig a proper hole.

serial killer.

dear catherine.

how are you? i crashed an ethiopian
birthday party after early thanksgiving around a ping pong table last
night. slept on some one's couch with a 'barbie' blanket and then
made friends with the neighbors before going for poutine this
afternoon.

beat THAT.


i have to work at 6am and i'm none too happy 'bout it. otherwise, my
one day weekend was exceptionally rad. because i made it
exceptionally rad. the only thing it's missing is haircuttings.
tomorrow. tomorrow....

rations versus rational and all the revolutionary accroutements such as hard tack

ishmael [3:26 PM]: if i was a flavour, i think i would be 'molasses'

because you can make rum from molasses

danger man [3:27 PM]: you are positing that someone boil you in a copper kettle?

ishmael [3:27 PM]: rum used to be one of those things that only poor people drank cuz none of the sugar refineries wanted the by product

i'm sure eventually someone will boil me down in a copper pot

i have THAT many enemies

danger man [3:29 PM]: that's why you need to start over in central america

ishmael [3:29 PM]: i read a funny woody allen story the other day

'viva vargas: excerpts from the diary of a revolutionary'

i keep strange books in my washroom so that when people use it they wonder ' who is the person who keeps this one so fastidiously clean?'

danger man [3:33 PM]: the things you say sound like innocent harmless quirks

like planning a pancake order in advance

or else the prologue to a killing spree

ishmael [3:34 PM]: let's settle in the middle and call it adult onset autism

danger man [3:35 PM]: let's

ishmael [3:35 PM]: i am for sure 'weird'

i don't know if i'd go so far as to shave a norfolk pine or anything

but i am mos def sorta quirky

danger man [3:49 PM]: indeed you are

ishmael [3:49 PM]: and single! tell all your quirky friends

danger man[3:50 PM]: I only have one lesbian friend

ishmael [3:54 PM]: who is this friend? me?

danger man [3:56 PM]: elementary watson

ishmael [3:57 PM]: Occam's razor?

danger man [3:57 PM]: I bet he didn't have any hair in the way

the bukowski of bridgeland and the dreams she makes come true

simple [9:31 AM]: good morning dear

ishmael [9:31 AM]: good morning

there's a new murakami book coming out

simple [9:33 AM]: that is wonderfully exciting

or at least I am excited

frantic with excitedness

in caslon bold

ishmael [9:39 AM]: i forwarded the email to your gmail account

simple [9:57 AM]: do you have facebook now?

ishmael [9:59 AM]: no, i will never have facebook

simple [9:59 AM]: i didn't think so

ishmael [9:59 AM]: not even when tempted by haruki murakami

simple [10:00 AM]: so he has posted his chapters on facebook

aaahhh

ishmael [2:39 PM]: let me know how they are

simple [2:57 PM]: the chapters? certainly lady.